Emotional Fitness is a skill that every human needs to cultivate. One reason I think the term Emotional Fitness vs. Intelligence is so powerful is that with fitness there’s a plane and wherever we are located we can always become fitter in either our physical or our emotional body.
Much like Women were behind in the workforce only 50 years ago, Men are currently behind with their Emotional Force, some might just call it… The Force. The Force energy that’s connected to everything could actually be Emotion, which in Latin means = Energy in Motion.
EF is like the pill that Bradley Cooper takes in the movie limitless, just the organic farm to table version.
A Man’s Emotional FItness comes from his ability to honestly take a look in the mirror at himself, hear feedback, and pursue a path of intentional growth and personal development. A Man’s Emotional Fitness is his willingness to evolve into the healthiest and most authentic version of himself. It’s a lifelong path.
Men are traditionally told to focus on 1 path, and that’s the path that is their profession. That path leaves so much of their life and potential undiscovered. Emotional Fitness supports Men to achieve freedom, Emotional Freedom. Emotional Fitness is a skill that supports human beings in becoming better human beings. It keeps us flexible and aligned.
Of course, I have a long resume of my own disappointments with Men, so this topic Men’s Emotional Fitness gives me great sadness for men and their overall health, for myself, and for my clients. I am sad for the damn World because unfit Men are not showing up to their life or living their fullest potential.
Now for the Women who are amped and pointing their fingers at Men, just because you’re a Woman and you have emotions doesn’t mean that you are processing them in a way that constitutes Emotionally Fitness. A whole separate post.
Here’s the fact – when Men become emotionally fit, they become better men. Men who are Emotionally Fit have OPTIONS. For jobs, FOR WOMEN. Life is EASIER and more abundant for Men who are emotionally fit. Don’t you want that?
There are endless reasons why I know, with all of my beings, that Emotionally Fit Men help heal the world. Because Emotionally Fit Men are actively healing themselves.
That’s the world I want to support creating and cultivating.
A world where men are reliable and amazing stewards to themselves, their families, their work, and our world.
The challenge for women (outside of finding emotionally fit men) is in knowing who has done enough inner work, and who knows enough to lure, charm, and perform to secure a woman. (Thank you to books like The Game by Neil Patrick Strauss).
In this article, I want to share some “green flags” to look for that determine if a man is emotionally fit based on the way he lives his life, relates to those around him, and ultimately how he treats himself.
Being able to Emotionally self-regulation comes with time, experience, and wisdom.
Emotional introspection is more challenging for Men, for a multitude of cultural and gendered messages. It can be different. A Man can look his emotions in the eye and fully experience them. When Men don’t have the courage to learn what their innermost feelings are telling them, the Man and his life will be a slave to their emotions, their shadows. The monster he has yet to understand and tame.
The Man who’s reactive rather than responsive is working off his impulses and instincts rather than taking pauses to have a conversation with his shadow… he’s a Red Flag.
There is Power in the Man who can Pause, and become more intentional with the way that he does respond.
As Men cultivate bravery to face their emotional world and manage their responses, they create confidence in so many areas of their life because they have built a steadfast trust within themselves, they have demonstrated that he can “handle anything,” handle any emotion (versus denying and avoiding them), and he’s no longer at bay to the winds of his emotional life.
When we humans understand our emotional world, the world becomes so much easier.
When a Man has Emotional Fitness he has certainty and the ability to be a steady masculine force creating a peaceful and calming energetic container.
Doesn’t the world need more of that?
We have reviewed Emotional Fitness and it’s also important to explore how Emotional Weakness or immaturity looks and feels.
Emotional Weakness is where a Boy (not yet a Man) is continually seeking approval and external validation. He has a weak sense of self that he feels needs to be inflated by those around him. In essence, he’s lazy and wants others to make him feel good, versus doing his own emotional labor to work on feeling better himself. This is the ultimate weak boy, a baby who never got off the teet, and who also likely wasn’t fathered by a present, stable, or loving father. Although his upbringing isn’t his fault, the task of becoming a Man is and it takes work to overcome being a boy by strengthening your masculinity and that takes emotional labor.
As Men mature in the phases of their life, living with integrity becomes their goal, and integrity is based on one’s words aligning with actions.
It’s essential to observe this, especially early on in a relationship, because that’s the time when people tend to perform and “act their best.” Men know they can easily say the things they want to hear, to potentially get what they want. I am a big fan of keeping things slow, allowing yourself to pace down what your body is desiring. Logic needs to play a big part here.
The question I ask clients, is not about what he says — but how does he back it up, does he back iy up consistently, and how does he respond when you call his attention to him not backing…
No backing? Reddest Red Flag.
Talk is cheap. Action is an investment.Jacqueline Stevens
A true co-committed relationship is a partnership of 2 whole and complete individuals. The goal is to come together with another person to build the life and love that both people desire — and this is only possible when both people make a consistent effort.
The role of both individuals within a relationship is to have access to both their masculine and feminine energy, all parts of them. This allows them to come together equally yolked, instead of a Man bringing the Masculine, and the Woman bringing the Feminine, they both bring it all. When this occurs there is an allowance for each person to be secure in either the function of leading or in serving. Depending on strengths, desires, capacity, what life chapter they are in, bandwidth, and a multitude of other reasons.
It’s my belief that when relationships are built with this structure, there’s a capacity for deep healing and both parties can be in allowance of their most primal natural core energy.
An Emotionally Fit Man views the strength of his partner as a spring of inspiration, a continual initiation for him to become a better man. He sees his woman’s capacity and depth as an invitation to step into a fuller expression of himself. If his Woman is constantly evolving, he is also looking to evolve so he can continue to maintain her love and commitment because he realizes that a women’s love provides him with strength, energy, and purpose that he alone cannot access alone.
An Emotionally Fit Man knows that teamwork makes the dream without too much work.
There is no I in Team. Emotionally Fit Men are collaborators and team players. And Women are dying to have one on their team.
Emotionally fit men have access to all the parts of them.
Being challenged and being threatened are very different things and it requires Emotional Fitness from a man in order for this to be registered and recognized.
Those who value growth and introspection welcome challenges in their lives. They understand that it brings an opportunity to problem solve, to elevate their way of thinking, and to excel beyond what they thought was possible in order to overcome the situation that is before them. Innovation over indoctrination.
Without this growth mindset, every challenge feels like a threat.
When you disagree, it’s a threat to his opinion and his world. His perceptions… When has it been easy to challenge Man’s outlook on the world? What if it could be easier? Imagine how the world may shift.
What if the new position at work, wasn’t a threat to his job?
What is when a problem come up that is difficult to solve, it wasn’t a threat to his ego, but an opportunity for him to get creative and think outside his box.
Now of course there are some threats in life, but we must be able to clearly see the difference between the two, lest we risk treating one like the other.
Despite what Instagram Couples are showing you, Challenges are a big part of life in a relationship, and if you choose to spend your life with someone, you’re going to face many challenges together.
Physical and health challenges, professional and financial challenges, challenges with cohabitating, and family and parenting challenges — the list goes on and on. And on. The JOYS are long as hell too, don’t worry, but the Joys are easy to handle.
The question is not about what challenges will come up, it is about how your partner is equipped to handle them, how they will handle them with you, and how resourceful they will be when handling challenges.
Since we are talking about Emotional Fitness, part of that is related to emotional safety.
Safety of all types is essential in an intimate relationship. In a relationship, there is a giving of one’s self to another person. Emotional safety happens when you can feel comfortable opening up to build a deep bond with another person, safe from judgment.
Emotional Fitness holds acceptance and love. It holds space for curiosity and trust without having to know exactly what’s coming next, and without worrying if there’s a catch.
Emotional Fitness holds a safe place for partners because it’s already created that place for itself. If someone hasn’t done a level of work and they themselves live in chaos and turmoil, how can you expect anything different when you create a relationship with them?
You bring what you are. And what you aren’t.
He wants to make you feel seen. He wants to know you and understand you, not so that he can fix you but so that he can revel in you and ravish you. He also wants to see you so he understands how he can call you forward into further integrity when needed. As much as you will be a steward for his character, he wants that for you and he wants to be part of the process that leads you there. He wants to see you in your whole, primal, and raw nature because you’re that invitation to him to be in that space with you. And mostly after dark ;).
Have you known many men who have avoided all responsibility for wrongdoing? Who was utterly resistant and refused to admit mistakes? Or simply could just not be at or admit to a fault? Do you know men who refused to apologize?
I think the world agrees this is the definition of Emotional Weakness. And it’s time men shifted the narrative for themselves. To themselves.
When a Man is Emotionally Fit he is able and willing to take responsibility for his actions. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, and his reaction may be that he will be hard himself, which may mask emotional avoidance. It may be him processing his own pain and shame before he can present to you as a man. Honor his process, and reward him. Reward him with all the bjs.
Seriously, could you imagine if men started making correlations between heartfelt and change-driven apologies with blow jobs? This may be the Men’s revolution that we need!
Next class on how to teach a bj coming soon 😉
If you don’t pay for it, he will!
There is this philosophy in the U.S. Navy SEALS known as “extreme responsibility” where the motto is “everything is my fault.”
I wish more men practiced this, and not from a self-deprecating, self-pitying, or even powerless place — but from a place of exploration of how to understand that holding one’s self-accountable is holding yourself to the highest standard. It is about being the one who steps up to the plate to create change in his life and his relationship. It means he’s looking for solutions to problems, whether or not he’s caused them.
Men like this will be diamond teammates and life partners because they’ll be trustworthy and reliable. You want to count on them to step up to the plate for you, and with you — because that is part of who they are and who they want to be.
You might be a total anomaly, but most people have tried to “fix” someone before. I used to think I wanted or had boyfriends, but the reality is that I was adopting problems. I recently saw the most hysterical tiktok where the woman was talking about taking in Foster Boyfriends. Men who didn’t really want to be her boyfriend, but she would “recover” them and they would go be someone else’s boyfriend. #DEAD.
A common underlying thought here is that if you just love them enough/in the right way/with the right intensity, they’ll come around and fall into your arms for the rest of your lives…
It’s actually quite narcissistic, to think that it’s so powerful that it can rehab an addict. And it lacks self-respect.
After months, or for me it was once years of trying — I learned that foster boyfriends weren’t the way things worked and that I was making myself miserable in the process of getting this person to try and want emotional recovery.
When a Man knows himself, he will know that he’s not ready, or he’s freshly out of a breakup or going through a challenging season in life, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does, he knows what he’s ready for. A prince won’t communicate it, but a Man with Emotional Fitness will tell you, but you need to listen, hear, and respect what he’s saying. Who knows, there may come a time later, but allow you and him to move forward.
Emotional Fitness is about awareness, clarity, and communication.
Emotional Fitness doesn’t force itself into a relationship at the wrong time.
Emotional Fitness doesn’t convince itself that it’s ready for something when it has yet to work out something else.
Emotional Fitness knows itself enough to understand that acting for the wrong reasons is only going to bring more heartbreak and sadness down the road.
Great relationships are not about giving and taking, they’re about giving and giving.
Forming a true partnership with someone happens when both people set aside their self-serving tendencies that they maybe once savored and that served them when they were single. This isn’t to be confused with losing a sense of identity and individuality, it’s about transmuting egoic, less evolved parts of ourselves into a soul mission.
Relationships ask for a willingness to compromise, to sacrifice, to give to our partner in all the ways – emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and sexually — while each partner desires to receive and give that energy in return.
If a man is doing everything he can to maintain his single life, allow him.
If this sounds like a man you want to date or a man you want to be,
let’s have a conversation about how we can move you to that playing field.