What have you been hearing about poly? 

Why do you think it’s gaining momentum?

I have learned and experienced much on this topic as I have coached and #DatedInLA​. 

​Today I’m going to share some education on non-monogamy, my insights on why it’s gaining popularity, and how and why many people are utilizing non-monogamy within their dating, relationship, or even their professional lives.

​You may have heard the term ethical non-monogamy, ENM. 

Although many experts skip the “E” as non-monogamy is not inherently unethical.  

What is unethical in a relationship construct is breaking agreements and withholding the truth.

Relationships are created based on the agreements that both parties create. 

If both parties are not creating agreements within the relationship, that’s relationship is “unconscious” as it operates on assumptions. Many relationships lack awareness and are “unconscious”, that doesn’t mean they’re bad, it does mean there is plenty of opportunity to grow, to create awareness and alignment.  

It takes time to change our unconscious relationship paradigms.  To create and build love versus falling into it.

​Non-monogamy is a term that covers a variety of non-exclusive relationship agreements, many of which are very common, especially in many stages of dating. In fact, most people date multiple people. They just might not be openly talking about it. The point of dating is to create connections with the intention to create a relationship with someone you are strongly compatible with. Poly can provide a structure to better understand where you are, and where you want to be, and be able to communicate that difference as you advocate for your needs.

Remember – we all create agreements for our relationships, and there is more than 1 way to be in a relationship(s). There’s beauty in that. Think about a nuclear family versus 2 best friends raising their children together. Is one of those more valid than the other? No! There are benefits and setbacks to both.

In my work, I gravitate towards the term consensual non-monogamy. Why? Consensual non-monogamy indicates that there is one critical thing, and that’s consent.

Consent = Clarity

Clarity = Safety

Think about your closest friendships, are those monogamous? 

Are you only friends with that 1 person? 

Of course not. 

(Hopefully) You manage many different friendships simultaneously. 

So why would dating be any different?

For some of my clients (and myself) adopting the principles of CNM is part of the journey leading us to a potential partnership. I see CNM as a path to creating a conscious committed relationship. Practicing radical honesty and intention become liberating.  

For many people CNM can create a sense of stability and ease, it’s allowed them to exit off the roller coaster of dating apps, and fast and furious connections, and opened them up to a more secure although different possibility for a relationship. 

It’s helped them navigate their own nervous system, by navigating their uncomfortable emotions with themselves while having open conversations about them with those they are dating. Is that not the best preparation for a long-term commitment? I don’t know what is.

What I have noticed within my own experience of “traditional” monogamous and non-monogamy relationships, is that (when done well) CNM encourages freedom and transparency. There’s a very different level of awareness and communication that comes with actively creating agreements and understanding. Whereas within traditional relationships, oftentimes people operate on a lot of unconscious assumptions. They aren’t willing to lean in and have more curious conversations. 

If you were to get curious with 5 couples about their monogamous relationships, you will get 5 vastly different responses. That also rings true for non-monogamous relationships. Ultimately we all create the rules of engagement for our relationships, what’s acceptable and what isn’t. What we need and what we want.

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For many people the concept of EMN is foreign, yet for centuries humans have been practicing forms of non-monogamy and monogamy, yet our culture has become mono-normative (cue the patriarchy). Our society privileges monogamous relationships, which means that we grow up only seeing examples of monogamous relationships and assuming monogamy is the default.

Monogamy is awesome (for a lot of people), and more recently people are pushing back against traditional views of gender, sexual orientation, and partnership. There’s more than 1 way to be. #HappyPride

​So what do I continue to learn about relationships? 

The most solid ones (no matter the gender) are rooted in awareness, agreements, boundaries, and fluid communication. 

All of which are SKILLz that can and should be learned.

Do I think ENM is for everyone, no!

Do I think monogamy is for everyone, no!

Am I suggesting ENM to everyone, NO! 

I’m showing you information so that you can get curious, to better understand your why, and start to create the life and relationships that you desire. 

If you are wanting to cultivate a better skillset to support your own emotional fitness, your relationships fitness, and your life fitness?

I am here to serve you with that.

My mission to teach people how to create more joyful lives and relationships. 

I have created my own recipe, and I want to support you in creating your bespoke life too!

I’m curious about your thoughts on this juicy topic.